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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It's funny. I usually like the rain....

It’s a rainy day today and I’m not sure why but it’s making me feel rather blue. I usually like the rain but today it’s giving me too much time to think. Its been a long road to get where I am today and I normally don’t share too much of that with anyone but for some reason I feel like sharing today. I think I’ll blame it on the rain.

You see, I’ve spent the last four years of my life in and out of courtrooms being accused of the most insane allegations you could ever imagine. No, I’m not in trouble with the law and I never have been. The allegations stem from my ex-husband, who you have to realize, didn’t want a divorce. To put it simply, I was a battered woman. That sounds so cliche to me for some reason. Even though I type those words and know they are true, I still can’t convince myself that I was in fact a battered woman. Not me! Sure, things got rough and I even have a few broken bones to remind me but how could I be a battered woman? I’m sure there are others out there who know exactly how I feel but if you’ve never experienced it for yourself, I’m not sure you can relate. To be completely honest, I’m not sure that I will ever be able to call myself a battered woman without feeling a pang of shame for some reason. It may be stupid of me to feel that way but I can’t help it.

I’m not going to go completely into how it all came to be but trust me when I say that he was never like this from the beginning. I had no way of knowing that things would end up the way that they did. How could I have known? How does anyone ever know? It just did and I felt trapped with no way to change the course of things. At first I was under the impression that if you can make it past the five year mark in your marriage, things would get better....or so the saying goes. I can assure you that this saying is totally incorrect and if you find yourself in a situation like this, get out as soon as you can! Things won’t get better and it’s highly unlikely that he will change. I know because I’ve heard the promises and apologies first hand. I had to realize for myself that I deserved better than this. That my life was more important than to spend it like this. Yes, I was told by many people that I should leave but it really didn’t matter how many people told me this. I had to make the decision for myself. No one else could do it for me. Maybe I was too stubborn to admit that my marriage had failed or maybe I was just too damn stubborn all around but I do know that the more I was told to leave, the more determined it made me to make things work out. I know now how dumb that sounds but it’s true. That’s just the place I was in at that time in my life. The worst part of it was the main question everyone couldn’t wait to ask. "Why did you stay?" While this is a good question, I can’t answer it and no one every placed the blame where it belonged and asked him, "Why did you do this?" Why was I the one berated with questions of "Why" when he wasn’t? Why did he get off so easy? Sure, he was an upstanding and wonderful addition to society in the public eye but everything changed as soon as the door closed at home. It truly was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That’s the only way I can explain it. Even my sister-in-law, who I’m not so fond of anymore, literally thought I was lying to her. Her exact words were, "Are you sure?" What the fuck kind of question is that? How could I have not been sure? For me, that question only fueled the belief that what he had said was true. "No one will believe you." Well, you know what? They did believe me and still do! It was one hell of a fight that lasted practically four years but I won. I’m living proof that he was wrong. To be honest though, I really did expect to fail and it was such a huge victory for me when I didn’t. I really can’t explain the feeling that this victory brought about in me either. It was just undescribable. Oh, and all of the allegations he made against me, no one believed him! It’s almost like he tried to turn a divorce trial into a criminal trial. Seriously, you name it and he accused me of it. There’s nothing you can imagine that wasn’t alleged against me by him. You know who wound up being thrown into jail though? Him! I can just imagine his disgust when they hauled him off. If you ask me though, it was just another small victory for me.

Oddly enough, I met the love of my life during my four years in hell. It was such a huge shock to me too. I had sworn off any kind of relationships because I didn’t want to deal with one anymore. I had screwed up so bad the first time around anyway, why would I ever want to try again? Well, I didn’t want to but life has this funny way of proving you wrong when you least expect it. I met him through a mutual acquaintance and while I didn’t want to be left in the same room alone with him at first, we hit it off and he was just so oddly familiar to me. He set up these sort of "group" outings and dinners with a friend of ours because he was attracted to me too. So yeah, even though I was rather standoffish and not looking to commit to anything at that point, he gently pursued me to the point that he won me over. Don’t get me wrong, he hadn’t completely won me over because something in me had changed. I literally put him through hell trying to push him away. I wanted to make him leave and not want anything to do with me because I didn’t ever want to feel so weak again. I would even do things just to piss him off to see how violent he would become. You know what though? He knew what I was doing and it was killing him a little to see me so desperately trying to push him away. I have no idea what he ever saw in me or what he still sees today but he learned how to handle me and my emotions. He never left my side since then and has never wanted to. I can’t tell you why unless he’s just crazy but I’m so glad! There was even a point where I would just go to him after a court hearing and cry in his arms. No words, just sobs of pain that needed to come out. He was there for me like no one ever has been before and I can’t see myself without him now. The best part of it is, he’s never laid a hand on me unless I wanted him to. He’s just that awesome!

Even though I am now happier than I ever have been, I still have pain that surfaces time and again. I will probably never be as carefree as I once was but I’m getting there slowly. The fact that I know there is someone out there who would kill me if they could get away with it shakes me sometimes. I have this constant fear that one day he will pull up behind me when I’m out and take all of my happiness away. I know it’s irrational to think this way but that is my biggest fear. That one day, he’ll catch up to me and take away everything that I care about to get back at me for leaving him.


Beautiful Dreamer said...

Thanks for sharing this. :) I'm glad you're with someone amazing now.